How to Help Your Teenager Deal with Failure

Every year my son's school is having a beauty pageant; it is called MR. and MS. P.T. (Physical Therapy). One of the male contestants backed out on the last minute. The organizers were begging my son to fill in the vacant slot. After thinking about it, he decided he wanted to be in it and win the title this time. Two years ago, he joined the said competition and landed the prize of first runner up. He got disappointed, but since it was his first time and didn’t know what to expect, he got over with his disappointment quickly. This year would be his second time to join. "I am going to win the title this time, he said with confidence and great determination."

Last night, few minutes after the competition was over, he sent me a text, “I didn’t win, and I’m first runner up again". I know he was disappointed. He really put out a lot of energy in preparation a day before the competition. I congratulated him and told him, it is okay, you did your best. I asked him if he enjoyed the experience. He replied “yes”. Then I said well, “that's all that matters then”. I didn't know if those words had given him some comfort. So I did some research to reassure myself.

According to some experts, it is okay for teen-agers to be able to experience failure, disappointment, loneliness, grief and sadness. As parents, we may let them know we are around when needed, but we should not attempt to rescue them from their misery in the name of self-esteem. This way, teenagers will understand the depth of their resourcefulness and resilience when difficult situations arise in the future. Your quiet support strengthens the connection between you and your teen. It will send a message that I will not abandon you and you can handle this situation.

It is best if your teen will have these experiences while they are still living at home because you will be around to see them through these tough times. So, when they're older and living on their own, they have those understandings to fall back on. The last thing a parent wants is for their teen to leave home never having experienced emotional setback in their life. We would like our kids to learn from their failures so they know how to deal with the inevitable when we are not around them anymore.

Let them build their self-esteem.  As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said “Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.”  They may be scarred but well prepared when they face the real world.

Yet after your teenager experiences a setback, it's difficult to remain on the sidelines quietly and expectantly waiting for them to get back into the swing of things. Yes, they need your support, but more than ever they need your honest support and reassurances. This means you must acknowledge reality as you encourage them to move forward. You also want to help them how to learn from their mistakes as they continue to improve.  As parents, our role is to reassure them our love and support.