Saying “No” Without Guilt

Why is it that many of us find it hard to say the word “no.” We often encounter requests from others to do something for them and it is an enormous disadvantage for us not to be able to refuse.


People, who can’t say no, are putting their own health and sanity on the line. Stretching ourselves so thin trying to please everyone can oftentimes result in our own failure or worse that we break under pressure.

 But why can’t we just say “no”? According to a study, one of the main reasons why a person cannot refuse is the compassion trap- taking care of the needs of others before your own needs. Some people feel that it is easier to say “yes” rather than deal with the guilty feelings after refusing someone.  Others may say yes to avoid any conflict later on. Though some say they can’t say no simply because of the fear of hurting the feelings of the person asking a favor. 

I remember a friend who can’t say no to his friends and relatives. When any problem arises may it big or  small, he is the person to run to. He is Mr. nice guy, who would never turn you down. He is willing to lend a hand anytime; it could be money or his precious family time. After so many years he finally realized that some people were taking advantage of his kindness and generosity. So now, he learned to evaluate the situation carefully first before saying yes or no to the request.

Thus, we forget that we also have the right to refusal.  Nowadays, a person who knows how to say “no” is perceived as a person who has the strength of character and self-confidence.  The ability to say no assertively does not only earn a great deal of respect and can overcome feelings of powerlessness but also prevents negative consequence, such as feeling of guilt.

Steps to follow to avoid the feeling of guilt when you say “no”

Is it a reasonable request?

Immediately, when someone asks you a favor the first thing comes to mind is to think it through if it is reasonable or not. Does the person really need my help and why?  Am I the last resort?  Thus, look inside yourself to find the answer. If you find yourself hesitating or avoiding, this is maybe a clue that you want to refuse. If you feel cornered and notice tension or uneasy reaction in your body, this may also mean that someone is requesting something unreasonable of you.  When you do not have enough information to evaluate the request of its rationality it can make you feel uptight and confused.  

Make sure you have all the facts

You need to stress your right to ask for more information and details. Do not commit yourself to a yes or no until you have a good grasp of what is being asked of you.

Rehearse saying “no”  

Once you recognize the request and decide you do not want to do it, say no firmly and calmly. A simple “no “is enough. No ifs and buts and no frills. Though you can add a simple, straight-forward explanation of what you are feeling.  A straight to the point and simple explanation makes you sound confident, while many indirect and weak excuses portrays you as being timid and nervous and can be used against you by leaving a room for argument. Practice saying a firm “no” daily, so that it comes more naturally to you.

You don’t need to say “I’m sorry, but…”

Don’t apologize. Saying I’m sorry” frequently  just makes it sound weaker to the other person, he may be tempted to play on you the "guilty feelings" game. After you stood firm on your decision that the best thing is to say no then, there’s nothing to be sorry about.

Break the vicious cycle

Many of us are born people pleasers. The problem with this good trait is it becomes a vicious cycle. When you do some good deeds to others, you make people happy and you feel good inside. Thus the cycle keeps going, some people continue to expect things from you and you feel that it’s your duty not to disappoint them. Eventually, you become worn out, used up and taken for granted.

The best way to break this cycle is to always remember that you can never take care of anyone truthfully until you take care of yourself first. When your valuable resource is your energy, time, and emotions, knowing how to look after it is enormously important. Hence your happiness is at stake when this resource becomes depleted rapidly. Learning how to say no and allowing yourself time to analyze requests asked of you are both sensible ways to protect your well-being and you don't need to feel guilty about it.