A Butterfly Encounter

Recently, I had an amazing experience with a butterfly that left me wondering what that encounter could have meant. I've lived most of my life in the tropics where the sight of a butterfly is a common occurrence but that day my experience with it was quite unique. I wish I had a camera nearby to capture the captivating moment.

One sunny afternoon as I was doing my laundry in our laundry area outside the house, I saw from out of nowhere a light brown/orange butterfly flying towards me. When it got nearer it flew around me a few times, so close that it almost touched my face. Though a bit surprised, I tried to remain still and watched what it will do next. Then the unexpected happened, the tiny beautiful creature landed on my left hand. At first I was not sure what it was doing. I looked at it closely and realized that it seemed drinking water from my wet hand. I could not believe what I saw, I never thought a butterfly could that be friendly and so trusting.

My fascination grew while witnessing the butterfly using it’s proboscis, a long straw-like structure it uses to suck the nectar of a flower, only this time it was sipping the moisture out of my wet hand, I felt a little tickle every time it touches my hand. After three to four sips it moved to my right palm and did the same thing but this time after each sip it turns until it completed a full circle turn then it flew around me again a few times before it fluttered away and disappeared.

Since then, I've been wondering what does that experience signifies. I had to check the web and found out that it’s not unusual for a butterfly to land on people. In fact I saw on YouTube a video of a butterfly drinking sugar water in a person's hand. What's unique with my experience though was I didn't woo it, for it came to me. The movement  it did to create a circle seemed unusual. Also if the butterfly was thirsty there was plenty of water on the ground for it rained the night before. The area where I was is not a common place for butterflies to hang around for there are no plants nearby. That really made me wonder if the butterfly was sent to convey a message.

Nonetheless the lucky chosen ones have their own special stories to tell with varied interpretations of their experiences. Some believes it to be mystical such as a spirit of a loved one visiting or conveying a message, a sign of good luck or a bad omen and so on, while others say it is just a chance encounter with nature nothing more nothing less.

For me, I considered it a magical moment, my first close encounter with this amazing creature of God had occurred in a moment that I needed something to lift my spirit up. For days I was feeling so down and had never felt so alone in my life. The butterfly came in time to cheer me up and reminds me that there are beautiful days ahead. The butterfly visit gave me a feeling of calmness and joy. I feel blessed!

Childhood Memory

 
I had a frustrating morning today, the culprit- my memory failing me. I forgot to buy bread yesterday when I was at the grocery store.


So early this morning, I had to go to several specialty bakeshops in the vicinity just to find whole wheat bread. My son is trying to lose weight, and only eats two slices of whole wheat toast with peanut butter and a glass of milk for his breakfast meal. But why do I need to tell you about this incident? The reason - it triggers a trip down memory lane.



Nonetheless, the early morning bread dilemma reminds me of my childhood and prompts me to share it here. This childhood event happened when I was around nine years old. Though I hate recalling painful experiences, there are moral lessons to be learned. 

Pandesal

The story centers on a bread called pandesal or salt bread. This bread is made of flour, yeast, eggs, sugar, and salt. In the Philippines,Pandesal is traditionally served for breakfast as is or accompanied by such items as butter, cheese, scrambled eggs, jams, jellies, peanut butter, etc. with coffee, tea or hot chocolate.

For most families, the breakfast table is not complete without pandesal. Most bakeries bake them at dawn and their patrons expect hot and tasty pandesal in every morning.


My stepmother and my then three year old half-sister liked them as their morning treats as well. My stepmom put aside fifty centavos every day for pandesal, so she and her daughter could have this fresh-baked bread for breakfast. Nobody else could eat the pandesal but the two of them. For fifty centavos you’d get six pieces.


My younger sister, who was then seven years old, was the errand girl. However, every time she came back from the bakery, she had to deal with a punishment. The reason being, she was tempted to eat a piece of bread. Our stepmother strictly ordered not to eat nor take a bite of it. But how could you blame a young child of not resisting such a treat, when her growling stomach has been tormenting her for some food and nourishment.


As always, my stepmom would drag my sister inside a room and I would hear her little cries of pain and the seemingly endless cursing from our stepmom. I felt bad for my little sister; for she would not be allowed to have breakfast and had to do extra chores that day. Sometimes, I wished I could give her some advice but then again I was also just a kid like her. In that house, as kids we don’t talk, we don’t say anything. We were like walking little zombies.


But where was my dad during this time, who was supposed to be there to protect his little children? Well, he left and went to another town to seek an overseas job. He promised that when he came back he would have lots of money and life would be happy again.


One day, our stepmother decided to delegate the duty to me instead. She finally had enough of my sister not following her orders. I was a little worried. Then I realized I enjoyed the morning walk, as I would see people along the way. It was great to feel some fresh air after being in a dungeon-like situation for so long. A few minutes of freedom were great too. I enjoyed the different scenes of life outside; I could hear real happy laughter and not just laughs of our stepmother which I thought were comparable to the laugh of a bad guy in a movie who was getting ready to formulate an evil plan. I could day dream along the way and be away from the harsh reality for few minutes.


However, once I had the bag of mouthwatering bread in my hand, the real torture begins. But I was so determined not to follow my sister’s fate.


At an early age, I learned the meaning of self-discipline and willpower. It seemed a voice on my right would say “eat just one piece of bread, it’s really tasty and good and would ease your hunger”, while on the other side a voice would opposed, “don’t do it it’s not worth the punishment and shame you would get later on.”

my sister, a friend and me (finally smiling again)
Taken a few weeks after we left our stepmom's place.

Usually, I would count the bread hoping the seller had made an error and put one extra piece of bread in the paper bag. Sometimes I would silently pray, “Please, God just one piece”, while watching the seller puts the bread in the bag.


Each morning was a struggle. Thus, I quickly learned some tricks along the way on how to ignore the temptation. I would sing happy songs or I busied my thoughts into a daydream while walking back home. At times I imagined that one day when I grow up and have money of my own, I will buy plenty of pandesal and just eat them till my heart’s content.


Every time I reached the entrance of our place, I felt proud; giving me a pat on the back. Feeling relieved that the most dreaded task of the day was done. Thus, as a child it wasn’t easy being helpless and to worry endlessly with the thought that one day I will weaken and get lured into the bait, and not able to resist the temptation to take a hearty bite into the forbidden bread.


But God knows the perfect timing. He knows when you are barely hanging at the end of the rope and ready to fall. He would be there in time to rescue you!

Thoughts on Memoir Writing

I have always been fascinated with memoir writing. Lately, I have been doing lots of research about it. The valuable insights I have gained from reading the works of memoir writers have given me the confidence and desire to embark into this difficult but worthwhile journey of writing.

Though there are many compelling reasons why people want to write about their life story, for me it’s more like a personal therapy. My goal for writing is to heal an old wound and to understand myself in deeper, clearer way. Yet it has long been passed for generations; a fraught childhood still haunts me till now. I feel like I need to do something to be able to move on completely.

Many would agree that it’s unproductive to dwell on the past. Let bygones be bygones as the saying goes. However it’s easy to say especially when people have not experienced the ordeal themselves. They formed an opinion because the damage inflicted on the emotions is internal and deep. It can’t be seen by looking at the outside appearance of a person alone. As this person may be hiding behind a persona to mask his or her true feelings. Self-healing is the key. By transforming our painful life experiences into written words would once and for all unravel the hard knots it had created in our past. Only then the healing process can begin. Sometimes we are able to accept the hardships and move on from our past, but there are certain scenes in life that stick with us. These are the scenes to focus on, to put our pen to paper or our fingers to the keyboard.

Once in a while, I have second thoughts about this idea. The notion of having to recall painful memories all over again worries me.  It is harder than I thought, but if this emotionally intimidating task will be able to heal our soul in the end and can make us whole again then it’s worth all the effort.  I truly believe that it’s never too late to heal. 

So get onboard and let’s begin the journey!  

Understanding Emotions at Midlife

At some point in time, you may experience feelings of emptiness because you feel something is missing. Sometimes this emotion is confusing because your life always seemed fine. You’ve had a decent job, devoted husband, and your kids are now up-and-coming and on their own. You’ve been successful in achieving some of your goals. Your priorities in life are in place. You should feel more complete with your life by now, but instead you’ve felt the opposite. But why do you feel this way in spite of everything? It’s like the zest of life is slowly dwindling, the excitement is not there anymore. Then you start wondering, what’s your life’s purpose here on earth. You’ve feel that there is an inner conflict that you must resolve, but don’t have any idea of what it is. At this time you’re thinking that until you solve this puzzle, you will not attain inner peace and there will always be that feeling of void. Life is indeed mysterious!

Don’t feel bad for I feel the same way as you do!

It’s confusing, isn’t it? I know how you feel for I’ve been there, had experienced the same thing. I had been through life searching and seeking for that something to fill the void like you do. I am not depressed and my faith in God is firm. So what you have in mind was not the answer to my quest. I wrote down my feelings as it would give me sense of relief from all these queries in my brain of “Who am I?”  Sometimes I asked myself, am I really the person that I am portraying or am I just acting a role. How could I find my real self? There were times I play the blame game, denouncing my shortcomings, fate and the bad decisions I made along the way which bring about this life’s enigma.  

What had I found here?

Then one day, as I was digging through some books at a second hand bookstore, I found a self-help book by Barbara Sher called “It’s only too late If You Don’t Start Now”, an inspiring book about midlife. At first I thought probably it’s about how to cope with aches and pains and how to look young at midlife. While scanning the book I realized she wasn’t talking about that, but instead, she was discussing about understanding and conquering our emotions and fears of living in our middle years and how to create a second life after 40. “It’s not too late to fulfill a dream… there are still a lot of good things ahead of you because life does not end with youth anymore and the party is just starting”, she said. So, I got curious, I bought the book.

I can’t believe it

While reading the first chapter, I was stunned! I realized she had the answer to this life’s mystery. In the first few pages of the book, she was talking about the same feeling of emptiness that I have had and the reasons why we are experiencing this emotion. The answer is in the title of the very first topic of the book, which says, “Don’t Panic, It’s only a Midlife Crisis”. What? I can’t believe it! After all those years of soul searching and self-blaming, and it’s only a midlife crisis? I thought those words are just for men. I was not really aware about what a midlife crisis was until now. Before, my attitude was I’m not interested and didn’t want to know about it. On the other hand, older people do not talk about their feelings and fears of getting old. So it’s hard to know that indeed these feelings are normal. Since no one wants to talk about it, the new midlifers won’t know what to expect when entering in their middle years.

But why do we experience this feeling of emptiness?

It’s because of fear of getting old and dread of becoming a reject, mixed-up with misguided beliefs that once you enter midlife, it’s all over. That life will be going downhill. That it’s too late to dream anymore. We assumed that the best years of our life are almost over but we wonder where the pinnacle is. It’s like watching a movie with no climax and all of the sudden the screen said “the end”. We get disappointed and we usually comment, “what, is it over already?” We were expecting more but it never happened.

It’s been etched in our brain that fun and challenges are just for the young. So we stop having fun and stop achieving. The mirror used to be our best friend, now it becomes our worst enemy because it tells the truth, that our youth and beauty are now gone forever. Of course, we always put up a good fight and when we fight it’s hard and fierce. We don’t give up our most-prized possessions that easy, though we know that this is a battle that no one wins. This becomes our inner-conflict which could not be resolve until we stop clinging to our youth for dear life.  Actually, we should be embracing our true new self, a person inside us who will stay young and beautiful forever.

 According to Barbara Sher, we are in transition, not a decline. We simply outgrow the first stage of life, now we are entering our second life, which is far more exciting than the first!  

Take your vow the show is over, but wait a minute…

All those years you were busy playing so many roles, as a loving sister, aunt, wife, and mom and so on, but as time passed by things had changed, just like a stage play the show came to an end. Your roles are over and the final curtain had fall, and because you identify yourself with the characters you portrayed for so long this sudden change left you baffled, confused and feeling betrayed. You don’t know who you are anymore. You lose your life’s direction, purpose and identity.

However you fail to see that a new curtain is opening with a new play that will soon to begin. This new play is your second life. It’s far more exciting because now you are the main character on it and your new role is to follow your heart’s deepest desire, discovering who you really are and using your amazing talents to the fullest extent possible.

Sometimes our stubborn nature hinders us from realizing that midlife is not the start of life’s decline but the beginning of a new journey, where most of the climaxes in life are going to happen. The bottom line is, don’t waste the many good years you still have ahead of you. 

According to new study women’s average lifespan now is 80 to 85. When you start thinking that your life is declining already at the age of 40 or 45, you are only halfway through your life. When you reach the age of 80 or 85, what would you be thinking then? Certainly with full of regrets, you will then realize that half of your lifetime has gone to waste.  But of course, it is also important to take care of our body and our general health to fully enjoy our future.

Well, that’s my insights about midlife, what’ yours?

How to Help Your Teenager Deal with Failure

Every year my son's school is having a beauty pageant; it is called MR. and MS. P.T. (Physical Therapy). One of the male contestants backed out on the last minute. The organizers were begging my son to fill in the vacant slot. After thinking about it, he decided he wanted to be in it and win the title this time. Two years ago, he joined the said competition and landed the prize of first runner up. He got disappointed, but since it was his first time and didn’t know what to expect, he got over with his disappointment quickly. This year would be his second time to join. "I am going to win the title this time, he said with confidence and great determination."

Last night, few minutes after the competition was over, he sent me a text, “I didn’t win, and I’m first runner up again". I know he was disappointed. He really put out a lot of energy in preparation a day before the competition. I congratulated him and told him, it is okay, you did your best. I asked him if he enjoyed the experience. He replied “yes”. Then I said well, “that's all that matters then”. I didn't know if those words had given him some comfort. So I did some research to reassure myself.

According to some experts, it is okay for teen-agers to be able to experience failure, disappointment, loneliness, grief and sadness. As parents, we may let them know we are around when needed, but we should not attempt to rescue them from their misery in the name of self-esteem. This way, teenagers will understand the depth of their resourcefulness and resilience when difficult situations arise in the future. Your quiet support strengthens the connection between you and your teen. It will send a message that I will not abandon you and you can handle this situation.

It is best if your teen will have these experiences while they are still living at home because you will be around to see them through these tough times. So, when they're older and living on their own, they have those understandings to fall back on. The last thing a parent wants is for their teen to leave home never having experienced emotional setback in their life. We would like our kids to learn from their failures so they know how to deal with the inevitable when we are not around them anymore.

Let them build their self-esteem.  As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said “Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.”  They may be scarred but well prepared when they face the real world.

Yet after your teenager experiences a setback, it's difficult to remain on the sidelines quietly and expectantly waiting for them to get back into the swing of things. Yes, they need your support, but more than ever they need your honest support and reassurances. This means you must acknowledge reality as you encourage them to move forward. You also want to help them how to learn from their mistakes as they continue to improve.  As parents, our role is to reassure them our love and support.